Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again
emella

  • Mood:

Jeez

I'm like a wreck, every time the phone rings I get a shot of adrenaline and have this tiny heart attack.

I keep like trying not to think about the phone, but it's REALLY heard. My stomach STILL has butterflies.

I have this like fear that if they don't like me or want me they won't tell me either... that seems to be a common trend with employers, don't tell the person they didn't get it. So I'm trying to psych myself up for the pain.

I was fine earlier, I was all happy and hopeful and nervous and I was thinking, what's the worst that could happen if I DON'T get it? And it was all fine, but as the minutes go by I keep thinking that I'm going to break.

Gah, I just need to stop thinking about it for a while.

Obviously if you've been reading my journal you know I'm like an emotional mess. I have really really bad emotional coping mechanisms when it comes to stress (physically and emotionally) and I don't bother to filter them out on LJ, so you can see clearly that I'm like this chaotic ball of emotional crazy.

If I manage to get this job, or when I get a job I'm planning to pay for therapy to help me cope with the emotional ups and downs I feel. I need a better handle on how to control that aspect of myself, and I'm not making any improvements on my own.

My stomach is all fluttery and it's so unnerving, I've never felt this hopeful about a job before. EVER in my entire life. I am seriously afraid that if I don't get this position I'm going to break again. Logically I don't want that to happen and I logically know that it's okay, there are other fish in the sea, but I also logically know that I am a really emotionally raw person.

I need to meditate or something, I'm like crazy on edge about this situation and I've never really experienced such nervousness before... gah.

Sorry for the long post, just some things I needed to talk about.
Tags: general, job, life, me, therapy, work
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