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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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High School

So I was learning about Existentialism again in my evening class. I learned it last quarter and I'm learning about it again and I started thinking about high school.

My half-motto is that high school poisoned me against learning. I LOVE learning knew things. The only problem is that I learn in weird ways. So high school was all about the 'read this, take notes on that, read about your notes later,' I was listening to the teacher and learning about stuff via the actual TEACHING. So in high school I never did homework and I learned to skim text books. I learned to take notes and never read them later, and while I did retain about 30% of what I learned in high school, I didn't learn everything that I wish I had.

I'm really angry and upset about that. The anger I feel is more like resentment than anything. I grew up believing that I wasn't good at school because I couldn't get 90s or 100s on tests about the war of 1812. I grew up feeling like the dumb kid in the class because studying a text book never helped me. I grew up BELIEVING that I had to go to college and that unless I worked myself to the bone RIGHTNOWOMGRIGHTNOW I wouldn't make anything of myself. America is founded on the notion of freedom and working for what you want and being able to make your own choices but then for the first 18 years of your life your told that you have to do this and you have to do that in order to be successfull.

Ina a weird way it's a lot like math, and tonight my teacher referred to it as the one size fits all hoodie. Math in the way that hard work + studying + paying attention + taking notes = perfect life on a platter. One-size fits all hoodie in that the schools make you go through this mold and if you don't fit it, too bad.

I feel such regret for my school years, when I didn't know what I wanted to do or how the world worked. I'm so angry that I didn't know enough to take advantage of all the art classes and FREE resources for art that I had in high school. No, I believed that I had to take mathscienceenglishhistory, this uber school subject that was the same thing but with different content.

You talk about wasting resources. That school district wasted more resources, still wastes more resources than they can contemplate. Look at all of the students who dropped out or stopped caring because they were instilled with the whole all or nothing mentality of THIS is the RIGHT way. I remember being in high school wondering where my life had gone wrong, why I had screwed everything up, why couldn't I just do the assignments and retain what I needed to know.

It wasn't my fault, and I THOUGHT IT WAS. My schools district didn't know how to teach me and didn't inspire me to learn and then, because they wanted everyone to do well they put pressure on you to do well and if you didn't it was YOUR fault. They raised an entire generation of perfectionist masochists who believe that everything that you do in life is your responsibility and so when you fail, or when you hit that bump in the road it's YOUR fault. It doesn't matter if your fucking 14 years old and you've been taught that ONE WAY is the RIGHT way, no it's your responsibility.

My school district fucked me over and I'm just now realizing how much. The thing that I'm having trouble with is that as an authentic existentialist I still believe that it is my fault and believing in anyway that it is not is unacceptable.

Yeah so I had a thinky day, how about you?

Comments

Haha, fucking coincidence, I had a very thinky day, too.

Because you see, I'm taking my fucking drivers licence. I'm already more than a year late (in Germany you have to be 18 to take your test) and neither my parents nor my friends (who are older than me and already got it) stopped bothering me about getting it.

So I started the lessons. Not because I wanted to but because EVERYONE ELSE wanted me to take them and even started getting angry with me about it. FYI I understand why they wanted me to get it and why it's important and blah, blah but fact is, I didn't want do.

I still don't.

Yesterday my driving instructor told me that I should drop out of the lessons because I didn't want to take the lessons and it showed. I don't want to drive and it showed the way that I repeated the same stupid mistakes over and over even though I know, I know how it's done correctly.

And I just... I know that my attitude is the main problem. I try to tell myself that I want to pass the test, that I want to get my licence but truth is, it's not me that wants myself to pass, it's my family and my friends.

But if that had been the only thing, who knows, maybe I could have grown to like the lessons, I don't know but the thing is, they expected me to succeed.

I'm not a dumb kid. I've always been one of the smarter kids in class, I got things faster than others and helped them. But I wasn't getting driving at first and everytime I asked others how something was done or explained a mistake I made (even if it was ridiculous and told so others could laugh with me about my stupidity) they looked at me like I was the dumbest idiot in the history of dumb. And then they started to get condescending. Which, no.

Everyone who knows me knows that I can't stand that. I do something wrong, you tell me, alright. I'll try to do better next time. Hell, yell at me if I messed up that bad. But don't get condescending with me.

And so the lessons became even less fun than before until they were nothing but an ordeal. And I get what my instructor is saying and I know he's right but I can't tell anyone because they have so fucking high expectations and my mum promised to pay for the lessons and everything and they don't listen to me when I tell them that things aren't going perfect so how am I supposed to explain that it's not going at all?

So yeah, I had a thinky day as well. No idea what I'm going to do because my instructor won't accept me back as long as I don't manage to change my attitude towards driving and I don't even fucking want him to. At this point all i want is for him to tell everyone that I'm a failure and that I'm never going to get my licence. Because then I won't have to.

*sighs* Sorry to get all ranty at you. I just... Needed it to get off my chest.

But you know the difference between you and me? You broke the status quo. From the sounds of it, you really were fucked over royally. Don't let it drag you down. And I promise you, for what it's worth, that it's in no way, shape or form, you're fault. *hugs*
I understand exactly where you're coming from. Don't worry about ranting because I get the WHOLE thing.

Okay, so the first thing is that you shouldn't worry what they say. I know you will because that's the nature of things, but don't worry about what everyone else thinks. Why is it so important to them for YOU to get your license? If it's because you need rides all the time well then that's one thing, but if it's for any other reason then that's just stupid.

If you don't want to get your license you don't have to.

You said one thing, about how everyone expects you to succeed, and I think that's the wrong thing to focus on. Succeeding is, in my opinion, a personal thing, and what other people think of as success isn't necessarily what you find successful. The one thing that stuck out to me was how you said that everyone expected you to succeed, and I think that's the wrong attitude to take as far as success goes.

Life is not a black and white situation success is not some end goal one thing that if you don't accomplish you fail at. Success is determined by YOU. Don't look at it as if you aren't being what everyone expects and so you're failing, look at the fact that it's what YOU want. You're not failing, you're doing what makes YOU happy.

I understand exactly what you're saying with all of the expectations and pressures, and I understand EXACTLY what you mean when you want the driving instructor to tell everyone you've failed. You want to escape the fact that you've made the choice to not learn how to drive.

My last year of high school I stopped going to school for a month. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself go to school. I wanted to graduate, but I was utterly sick of doing things over and over and getting the same results. So I decided that instead of doing something about it (dropping out or committing myself to school) I would just stop. I completely stopped and decided to let someone else essentially make my choices for me. That's what you do when you rely on someone else to dictate your life. By not going to school I was inevitably making a decision by not making a decision. Does that make sense?

By saying 'I'm done, I'm not going to school.' But not doing the alternative of dropping out, I was letting someone else make my choices.

The hardest thing to do in life is to live. And in my book, the hardest thing in life is to live the way YOU want, forsaking society and all others.

If your friends and family really love you and want what's right for you, want what will make YOU happy, then they'll understand.

I hope this makes some sense, I know that it's kind of all over the place, but believe me, I know exactly where you're coming from.

Thanks for your reassurances and don't worry about everyone else. The pressure to do things according to everyone else is just stupid and if you look at all the people who do do everything according to others, I doubt you'll find that they're very happy.

*hugs*