Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again
emella

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High School

So I was learning about Existentialism again in my evening class. I learned it last quarter and I'm learning about it again and I started thinking about high school.

My half-motto is that high school poisoned me against learning. I LOVE learning knew things. The only problem is that I learn in weird ways. So high school was all about the 'read this, take notes on that, read about your notes later,' I was listening to the teacher and learning about stuff via the actual TEACHING. So in high school I never did homework and I learned to skim text books. I learned to take notes and never read them later, and while I did retain about 30% of what I learned in high school, I didn't learn everything that I wish I had.

I'm really angry and upset about that. The anger I feel is more like resentment than anything. I grew up believing that I wasn't good at school because I couldn't get 90s or 100s on tests about the war of 1812. I grew up feeling like the dumb kid in the class because studying a text book never helped me. I grew up BELIEVING that I had to go to college and that unless I worked myself to the bone RIGHTNOWOMGRIGHTNOW I wouldn't make anything of myself. America is founded on the notion of freedom and working for what you want and being able to make your own choices but then for the first 18 years of your life your told that you have to do this and you have to do that in order to be successfull.

Ina a weird way it's a lot like math, and tonight my teacher referred to it as the one size fits all hoodie. Math in the way that hard work + studying + paying attention + taking notes = perfect life on a platter. One-size fits all hoodie in that the schools make you go through this mold and if you don't fit it, too bad.

I feel such regret for my school years, when I didn't know what I wanted to do or how the world worked. I'm so angry that I didn't know enough to take advantage of all the art classes and FREE resources for art that I had in high school. No, I believed that I had to take mathscienceenglishhistory, this uber school subject that was the same thing but with different content.

You talk about wasting resources. That school district wasted more resources, still wastes more resources than they can contemplate. Look at all of the students who dropped out or stopped caring because they were instilled with the whole all or nothing mentality of THIS is the RIGHT way. I remember being in high school wondering where my life had gone wrong, why I had screwed everything up, why couldn't I just do the assignments and retain what I needed to know.

It wasn't my fault, and I THOUGHT IT WAS. My schools district didn't know how to teach me and didn't inspire me to learn and then, because they wanted everyone to do well they put pressure on you to do well and if you didn't it was YOUR fault. They raised an entire generation of perfectionist masochists who believe that everything that you do in life is your responsibility and so when you fail, or when you hit that bump in the road it's YOUR fault. It doesn't matter if your fucking 14 years old and you've been taught that ONE WAY is the RIGHT way, no it's your responsibility.

My school district fucked me over and I'm just now realizing how much. The thing that I'm having trouble with is that as an authentic existentialist I still believe that it is my fault and believing in anyway that it is not is unacceptable.

Yeah so I had a thinky day, how about you?
Tags: college, general, life, me, school
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