Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again
emella

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Life

You can never really know where you're going to go in life until one day you're remembering something from twenty years ago and you've forgotten just what it was like to be there. Then you step back and try to remember what it was like to be that age and be in that place and you can't. You can't remember your choices and who you were, because you've lived that journey and made more choices, newer choices and you're in a different place. You'll find yourself wondering where the years went and then you turn around and another five years has gone by and you don't know how you got where you are, but you do. You took every single one of the steps that led you to where you are, but the miles aren't what make the journey, it's the experiences and the scenery that you remember.

I'm twenty two years old and I sometimes think about life and I feel nostalgic. I feel old, older than a lot of people. I wonder if other people feel this old. I feel like two people, one socially awkward fat girl who's personality is too old and to big for this life. I don't believe this is the first time I've been alive, I believe in past lives, but I don't really know what that means. I have memories of experiences that I've never had and sense memories of things that I KNOW I've never done.

A lot of people believe that you only live one life, and I disagree, I believe in reincarnation, but to what extent. I don't believe we go on forever, I think we'd go crazy, unless we do go on forever and all the crazy people are REALLY old. I feel like this lifetime is the last one I'll get to experience. Sort of like my last regeneration, in Doctor Who terms. I'll find myself appreciating life, and the world around me and sometimes it seems like no one else understands that. A lot of times I want to talk to people about my thoughts on life or the world, but there's no one to talk to.

I don't want to say that I'm too mature or some nonsensical bs like that, but in some ways I DO feel too old. Like life finally has meaning, but no one else realizes it. I feel like no one understands what it's like to experience things like I do, I feel like no one understands what it's like to interpret the world like a hallmark card and ACTUALLY mean it.

I sometimes wonder if I'm about to die. I hate to put it in those terms, but it's true. I look around and analyze my life, I come to understand myself and the world around me and it's like I'm seeing things for the last time. I'm appreciative of my life in a lot of ways that no one gets and it makes me nervous. Most people only seem to find the world AMAZING when they're dying or really really old, but I will find myself sitting somewhere, in a park, or by the river with such an appreciation for what I'm experiencing and I feel like no one else understands that.

I think I resent that a lot of the time. I resent shallow people, even if they aren't meaning to be shallow. I don't understand people who go through life without stopping to think about what's out there and to MARVEL at what it is. I mean WHAT THE HELL, look around, look at where you are. Then think about the universe and it really puts things into perspective. When I say that I don't mean that you should feel small, look at what the universe is, now think about the fact that you're a part of it, that should make you want to dance or create or just exist for the sheer complexity and loveliness and BEAUTY. Life is so beautiful and open and no one really understands how AWESOME it is. I mean everything. EVERYTHING is amazing from some point of view.

A lot of the time I feel really sad and always lonely because I don't think anyone really comprehends how beautiful being here is. I can't express how I feel when I sit by a river, in front of a city full of skyscrapers and watch the sunset, it's more than just a feeling, it's an experience that I don't think anyone can ever really understand.

I just, I don't think there is anything wrong with me, no I feel completely right and at peace with my life, and I guess that's what it is. There are times in my life when I feel completely and utterly at peace and no one ever really gets that, or at least they don't show me they do.

Life is so full of possibilities and joy and you can never know what to do with that, and most of the time I don't, but sometimes I just feel old and nostalgic, like this life that I'm living is just a feeling of nostalgia for my soul. Like all my past lives are being summed up in this one lifetime.
Tags: general, life, me
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