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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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Other - Summer Fun


You can never really know where you're going to go in life until one day you're remembering something from twenty years ago and you've forgotten just what it was like to be there. Then you step back and try to remember what it was like to be that age and be in that place and you can't. You can't remember your choices and who you were, because you've lived that journey and made more choices, newer choices and you're in a different place. You'll find yourself wondering where the years went and then you turn around and another five years has gone by and you don't know how you got where you are, but you do. You took every single one of the steps that led you to where you are, but the miles aren't what make the journey, it's the experiences and the scenery that you remember.

I'm twenty two years old and I sometimes think about life and I feel nostalgic. I feel old, older than a lot of people. I wonder if other people feel this old. I feel like two people, one socially awkward fat girl who's personality is too old and to big for this life. I don't believe this is the first time I've been alive, I believe in past lives, but I don't really know what that means. I have memories of experiences that I've never had and sense memories of things that I KNOW I've never done.

A lot of people believe that you only live one life, and I disagree, I believe in reincarnation, but to what extent. I don't believe we go on forever, I think we'd go crazy, unless we do go on forever and all the crazy people are REALLY old. I feel like this lifetime is the last one I'll get to experience. Sort of like my last regeneration, in Doctor Who terms. I'll find myself appreciating life, and the world around me and sometimes it seems like no one else understands that. A lot of times I want to talk to people about my thoughts on life or the world, but there's no one to talk to.

I don't want to say that I'm too mature or some nonsensical bs like that, but in some ways I DO feel too old. Like life finally has meaning, but no one else realizes it. I feel like no one understands what it's like to experience things like I do, I feel like no one understands what it's like to interpret the world like a hallmark card and ACTUALLY mean it.

I sometimes wonder if I'm about to die. I hate to put it in those terms, but it's true. I look around and analyze my life, I come to understand myself and the world around me and it's like I'm seeing things for the last time. I'm appreciative of my life in a lot of ways that no one gets and it makes me nervous. Most people only seem to find the world AMAZING when they're dying or really really old, but I will find myself sitting somewhere, in a park, or by the river with such an appreciation for what I'm experiencing and I feel like no one else understands that.

I think I resent that a lot of the time. I resent shallow people, even if they aren't meaning to be shallow. I don't understand people who go through life without stopping to think about what's out there and to MARVEL at what it is. I mean WHAT THE HELL, look around, look at where you are. Then think about the universe and it really puts things into perspective. When I say that I don't mean that you should feel small, look at what the universe is, now think about the fact that you're a part of it, that should make you want to dance or create or just exist for the sheer complexity and loveliness and BEAUTY. Life is so beautiful and open and no one really understands how AWESOME it is. I mean everything. EVERYTHING is amazing from some point of view.

A lot of the time I feel really sad and always lonely because I don't think anyone really comprehends how beautiful being here is. I can't express how I feel when I sit by a river, in front of a city full of skyscrapers and watch the sunset, it's more than just a feeling, it's an experience that I don't think anyone can ever really understand.

I just, I don't think there is anything wrong with me, no I feel completely right and at peace with my life, and I guess that's what it is. There are times in my life when I feel completely and utterly at peace and no one ever really gets that, or at least they don't show me they do.

Life is so full of possibilities and joy and you can never know what to do with that, and most of the time I don't, but sometimes I just feel old and nostalgic, like this life that I'm living is just a feeling of nostalgia for my soul. Like all my past lives are being summed up in this one lifetime.
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Believe me, you're not the only one to think that way and see the world and life that way. More people than you think do. I have that feeling you described everyday. I can't help being thankful and admiring for nearly everything around me. When I wake up the morning, I'm thankful I am still alive, same thing when I go to bed the evening. I love watching people in the street or at work, busy with their own life. I often try to imagine how everyday is like for them. I wonder if they realise as I do how lucky we are to still be alive, healthy and to have a family. Nature also amaze me a lot. I may sometimes spend lots of time simply looking at a tree in the wind. I think it is good sometimes to stop our time race, to have a break in our busy schedule simply to reflect about life and the wonders around us.

You should not feel sad about this perception of life, it's a gift, few people are endowed with it. You should try to spread this feeling around more. I think words are not the easiest way to spread it. I'd rather use photography and filming. People are often more enclined to see the world's beauty through art.

I also know too well how it is to feel too old. I have always had lots of trouble getting along with people of my own age. I feel much better around adults and old people. They have gone through a lot already and they are able to understand us more easily.
The thing with people like you and me is that we grew up too fast. Some drama(s) prevented us from a part of our childhood or adolescence. We are still wounded, that's why we are able to relativise as much. We know nothing should be taken for granted, because it can still be taken away from us anytime. That is a rather pessimistic vision of life. However we feel good with it because it gives us the feeling we will be prepared to anything bad that may happen to us. Unfortunatly, the truth is we will never really be.

I think you shouldn't go too deep with all that. It is probably just a phase. I got several of those that often happened right after I overcome a hardship. Well not for the too old feeling, this I fear we will have it still for a long time, but I think it gets better as we become more adult.

Sorry I bothered you talking a little too much about me and in probably not a very good english. I just wanted to try to show you that you are not alone with that feeling. Some people can actually understand you. People who just like you already went through a lot but still have faith in life.