Over the last week I've been so aware of who I am. This has been the worst week I've had at college so far, and yesterday was the worst day I've had at college, ever. So today I had my psychology class bright and early in the morning when I was still a bit out of it and my teacher starts telling us about Erik Erikson and she describes a perfectionist and she basically describes me. She talked more about one of Erikson's stages and how it could result in a perfectionist and when she was describing the results of turning into one of these people she was basically describing me.
She said that these people are so focused on appearing perfect that they never really feel like people connect with who they really are and they feel that if they make a mistake they are weak. She said that a lot of times what can happen, is if perfectionism happens to these people later in life things can accumulate to the point that they hit a wall and just shut down. They can't deal with life essentially.
Yeah so this story is familiar. I stopped going to school when I was in my senior year for a month because I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect and that I wouldn't graduate with this perfect high school experience under my belt. I understand that but I just can't translate it to today.
Since I started off in my second quarter here at school, I realized that I could possibly achieve something and I started to work harder than I have in my life. I've been thinking about what I want to do when I get done, and mom has asked me several times, but I don't have an answer.
The only thing I know is that I want to be the best.
I don't think I can achieve this goal, but I also can't really think about not achieving this goal because if I think about it, I'm going to have another breakdown.
Anyway, the point is that I think I need therapy because Mom doesn't know how to solve it, and half of me doesn't want to solve it.
I feel like I'm constantly craving attention or attention starved but I know that I don't deserve attention.
I want someone to understand how much pain I'm in and no one really does. No one ever will, and that's just... I can't wrap my brain around those thoughts, if I do I will become suicidal.
I'm trying I think, to overcome these things but I can't because part of me doesn't want to. I want to be weird and flawed and tortured and angsty. People pay attention to the tortured and weird and angsty. They don't pay attention to the normal and happy people.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I'm sitting here and I just I've got no emotions, I'm fucking psychotic right now and my body has like shut down my ability to feel.
I don't know what to say.
I just want to turn it all off. Why can't I just stop it all? It will never stop. The angst and the pain and the constant need to be perfect. I just want it to stop. I just want to be normal and happy but then I don't and I can't take it because it's a constant loop of anger at myself and pain at the alienation and guilt about the selfishness and narcissism.
Sometimes I think I'm the most screwed up person because I want to be the most screwed up person. There are people out there who kill people because a ghost or a monster or god or the devil or their invisible friend larry told them to and I'm sitting here worrying about my constant need to be the best.
God. I'm a sad person.