June 3rd, 2010

Supernatural - BloodRed Sam touch

Eeeek icons and design

I just deleted and purged what feels like about half of my icons but was really only about 20.

Man that made me a lot more anxious than I thought it would.

It's so funny, I look through other people's icons every once in a while and I feel so inferior. I mean I do graphic design for a living and 100x100 pixel icons make me feel like crap. WTF is up with that?! I was looking through one of my lj friends icon section tonight and I was all pouty face. It's so weird because I used to feel this like huge all-encompassing burning need to have better icons, well to create better icons, than the ones I was seeing and after four years I still feel the exact same way. I have no idea what causes my competitive streak when it comes to this, but it's there none the less.

I got bunches of icons made this past week. They're taking me longer than I had expected, I'm getting about 1 made every 45 minutes, so in a three hour block of watching TNG I can usually make about 4 icons. It's kind of sad how long it's taking me, but I think I'll figure it out.

One thing that's been driving me crazy in my rl design career, and that's resurfacing in my icon making, is the idea and aspect of being original. I am obsessed with being an authentic and original person and I pretty much hate anything that fakes being real or unique (i.e. any movies on Lifetime or ABC Family, a lot of NBC reality shows, romance novels etc.). I will mock certain tv programs for hours because they actually make me a mad. Something about diluting real life into a feel-good craptastically perfect world is insulting to me. It degrades the real experiences of being human and living life.

When it comes to design I really struggle because a lot of times I get inspiration and ideas from other people or other designs in the field and I kind of feel like that's cheating. I find it hard to come up with something completely unique and original. It's not that I can't come up with something, it's just that I want whatever I come up with to be good. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I've been to busy trying to be successful in design and I haven't spent enough time just working to create whatever I can, even if it sucks.

One of my teachers in college talked about how great designers are innovative and create unique things that lead the design revolutions and new trends, while good designers are just able to copy what's already out there really well. That has really stuck with me and a lot of the time I'm afraid that I'm just copying what I see or taking something someone else has made and refurbishing it with a new twist. I don't want to be a remodeler I want to be an innovator and I'm not sure I know how.

It kind of terrifies me to think of just creating something weird and misunderstood. In some capacity I think that's really the only way I can ever be original and that just feels so awful to me.

I got into design because I enjoy the process and the result, and if the process of creation is just copy and paste then why bother? I never thought I wanted to be just a production designer, going through the motions, but I feel as if that's all I'm doing anyway.

I don't know... It's just something that's been bugging me the last few years and I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to suss out the problems in my design strategies and fix them. I don't know, I just don't.
Supernatural - BloodRed Sam touch

O_O Too much kink...

So I decided I'm going to make an uber master list of all the SPN Dom/Sub fics in existence. Yeah I know I'm crazy. Anyway, I've spent the last like three hours over on spnstoryfinders using the 'kink' tag to try and weed out the D/s fics, and man do I have to say, we are a bunch of kinky bitches. @_@ I mean like creepy, weird, squicky, crazy, kinky bitches.

I am all for kink, but when you're reading about nothing but kink requests for three hours it starts to get a little skeezy. Like okay, I can get on board with a LOT of things, but I just... it's kind of scary when you look at it. From bestiality *shudders* to like Jensen being fat/thin, to ropes and collars and knives and blood. It all starts to get a little crazy.

Anyway, my reason for posting was that I just kind of realized how... weird different we all are in our approach to sexuality and what turns us on. It's interesting to read about the intricacies of what we like to read about. I mean I kind of know what my bulletproof kinks are, and I thought they were slightly naughty, but now I think they're downright tame in comparison.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I just found it interesting and a bit... scary crazy and I wanted to share.

Maybe I've just been up too long, it is 6AM... haha, okay I'm going to bed.

P.S. If you know of any SPN Dom/Sub stories feel free to send me links. :)