February 26th, 2009

Supernatural - Dean angsty


Last night I felt as if I was going to crack and break into a million pieces. Today I feel like I already have. I feel just so gray. I'm a black and white person and I feel so utterly gray. It's like all the color is gone. I feel like this is what other unemotional people feel like most of the time and it's so gross and disconcerting. I want my highs and lows back.

I've been pushed to the brink, sort of, with my stress and I'm just sort of there. Like I don't feel depressed but I might be. I haven't really felt this way before, or maybe it's been so long since I've felt this way that I can't remember the anguish it is. It's like everything inside me is drowning in this big sea of blah.

I'm very stressed out. I'm very out of control, meaning I have no control over my money, my food, my work, or my school work, and I think it's all just worn on me so much that instead of being stressed I've just like been worn down to this little nub of gotta-do-this-now-gotta-do-that-later.

I feel like my personality decided to take a vacation and didn't tell me. I feel ill in the sense that I'm sick of eating food because I feel like all I ever do is shovel the same foods into my mouth and what's the point of that?

School seems fruitless, I feel like in one of my classes that no matter how hard I work I'm always going to get a B. In my other class I don't really have the time or energy for the assignments but I'll do it anyway. I know I will.

My life has gotten to the point, I think, that I feel like I have no control, because even at my most 'whatever' stage of attitude or depression or whatever I still feel the pressure/need to do school work and keep up with things.

On one hand I feel like this is what it means to be an adult, you live your life, do some stuff, and just exist, but part of me knows that's not true.

I'm so sick of the fact that my roommate doesn't do her dishes, and I'm so sick of being in this room all the time. I'm so sick of living without carpet, and having to take the bus to the store. I'm so sick of going through these same routines and just kind of living. I feel like I'm going to vomit from the gross food that I eat, or the air that I breathe or the things that I have to do.

I have an internship interview today and I'm just so blah about it. The last interview I went in didn't call me yet, so I don't know what's up with that, but whatever, I don't care.

My mom has no money, so therefore I have no money. I just feel so gray. I feel like I'm coughing up this grayness, like it's seeping out of me like some sort of gas and then I'm breathing it in again and I'm just gray forever.

It's been a bad few days.
Merlin - Arthur


I had my internship interview today and I think it went pretty well. I think it should turn out alright if they decide to pick me. I hope they do, or I hope at least one of my interviews liked me enough to hire me. The first one is more like a real job, with a big emphasis on teaching. The second one is more like a gopher/designer internship. Either one will be good experience. The first one might be paid, so that would be good, but I don't know. It will have been a week tomorrow and I haven't heard from the first place. I have to send out a thank you note tomorrow. I wrote one out yesterday but I forgot to mail it. Bah.

Anyway I think I'm going to nap and then get to work.

My week has been really crappy and hopefully it will end okay. I don't know.