April 6th, 2006

Supernatural - Castiel fresco

Oh Holy crap Scared

I've been trying not to talk about getting in to school for fear of jinxing it, but I HAVE to talk about something.

There is a mental state in which I sometimes slip into, I'll refer to it as the black hole. During this time I feel hopeless. I hate that so much and I feel just completely lost.

I hate this feeling.

It's triggered by random things, and tonight I can't seem to shake the mood. I was thinking about college and about going off to where I want and I was struck by how lonely it would be. I can almost feel the panic attack start when I think about going off to college and not making friends and not enjoying myself and just plain feeling like crap.

So anyway, I'm trying to kick myself out of this black hole of dispair, and I can't shake it. Please GOD someone tell me that if I do get into the school I want(And please don't reassure me that I'll get in, you'll only jinx it) that I will be able to go there and be myself and make friends and get a job and have fun.

In my experiences, the only way I made friends in high school was because there were other lonely losery people like me, and we all had to be there. So basically we could share the misery and bond with it.

I'm scared out of my fucking mind at the prospect of going away to school again. The last time I tried it, it was hell. Yes, I had a friend there, but my roomate sucked, I never went to one of my classes, and I was bored as all fuck.

I really really really want to get into this art school, but beyond getting in, I don't know if I could actually go. I have this like fucked up vision in my head that I will become like Cinderella or something and I'll go away to school (again), and I'll make friends and get along with my roomates and eventually get a job and I'll like all my classes, and pass with good if not great grades.

I want that to happen so bad, but there's also this side of me that says, Oh god, what if it's like last time. What if I have a fucked up roomate or two and my classes all suck and I can't/won't get a job, and I can't get decent grades, and all the people there have their own little niches and cliques and I can't find ANYONE, at least at Wright State I had Leah, and I could go home on Weekends. If I get in and go to AIP I wouldn't have anything but a phone and my computer. Not that I don't love you guys, but a girl needs at least 1 RL friend.

Please just tell me from like experience that if I get in and I get there I won't be completely alone. Please?