June 30th, 2005

Supernatural - Castiel fresco

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Well,

We got our house today. It's very pretty.

We closed, it rained, we watched the pond.

Oh, I also learned that my life is over. Yep, mark June 29th as the day Emily died.

Yeah so I'm sort of a drama queen, but yup my life is over. I can see McDonalds uniforms and Burgerking hats.

I'm not sure how to really react. I mean, I cried my eyes out when I found out. Yeah...

So I guess I'll really be a bum now.

Don't bother trying to discearn my ramblings it doesn't matter. It's over with now. Maybe I should be done with it and kill myself. I could drown myself in my new bathtub.

That would be too much for mom.

Yeah I thought about running away to Alabama. Losers are the ones that run away from there problems. But oh yeah, I'm a loser now so it doesn't matter.

God, I guess your life really does end at 20. If your life is based out of highschool so much, why don't they tell you that.

I can't fucking take this anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I can't stand it. I had a mental breakdown during my senior year because I hadn't fulfilled my expectations. I guess this is the point when I stop having expectations.

Maybe I should join a cult commit myself.

See the thing is, I hadn't even prayed or thought that it wouldn't happen. I assumed, and in all things when I assume thigs usually start to suck.

Maybe most people at 20 don't need to know what they're doing for the rest of their lives, but I always sort of knew that I would know.

Eh, I have a year left. Maybe my life will actually start looking up.

I'm like numb. I had this whole thing where I would go and life would be great and I would spend a few years figuring everything out. Well surprise, surprise, I'm slapped in the face again.

I hope those starving poor shelterless third world people are at least decently happy. Yeah...

Well, I guess that's it.

I love Xander, I know how he feels now.
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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

more of me rembling because I'm an idiot that doesn't deserve to live, apparently

I sort of want to cry, but I have like nothing left in me for it. I feel like this shell, you know, one of those people who lose everything but material possesions.

Yeah well, God.

I need to make a million dollars and quit thinking about suicide.

Suicide is looking pretty good about now.

I wouldn't ever do it, so don't worry. I love my mom too much to make her suffer more than nessecary.

This sort of fulfills my role in this tale I guess. I was written into my life as a doomed character. That girl in the movie who is killed off, or that boy who dies and is tragically remembered, but no one knows his name.

Maybe in the big story of life, we all like to think we're the hero or heroin, but some of us are really just bit players who don't know it.

It's not the famous people that are heoes, those are just the comedic relief. There's a villain and a hero, comic relief and sidekicks, and of course the oneliners. Those people who don't get fifteen minutes, the ones who only get two.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of life giving me the same bullshit. I really can't take it anymore. I started my story angsty and alone and I always thought my path would lead me into the light, to live a normal happy life. To live 'happily ever after.'

Life is not a fucking fairy tale. What I don't get is why they make it out to be.

Everyone tells you your going to grow up and go to college maybe get married and have some kids. None of that is true.

The more likely story is You'll grow up, barely make it in to college, get knocked up and end up devorced raising two kids on child support.

Life is full of too many screwed-over people.

I feel bad for those that need stuff. They usually deserve it too.

Middle-Class White Chicks are trained to be doomed. They're taught that they can do anything and be anything and then when they don't work hard enough or are too arrogant or bland, Life decides that it will throw you a curve ball, but oh it's not a curve ball, it's a life sized bowling ball and you're about to get flattened. Those white chicks are taught to run from the killer, but oops they wore the wrong footwear, so now you die.

Life sucks.

Why does god make 'dreamers' if all he does is crush their dreams.

I need alcohol now. I don't care what I've said before, I need alcohol and I need to cry.