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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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I don't know what to put here - Okay something about school and my major

So lately, for the last 5 or 6 months I've been feeling restless. I've been feeling anxious about my major and my school work. I've been working so hard to get these A's (and that one lousy stinking B[so far]) and I've been unhappy. I've been unhappy with something in the way things are working and I'm not sure why.

I came to school for Video Production and then switched to graphic design and now I realize that I don't like being stuck in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. I like creating art, but before now I never really had the skill and supplies to create art except on the computer.

I'm getting good grades here and I'm working hard, but I never feel like I'm working hard enough, while I'm struggling for that A, I always feel like I could be working harder, but then I think I couldn't have. Some of my teachers give me one or two sentences of feedback and I don't end up learning anything from that. I don't understand why I can't get an A to start off. I go into a class for instance and I'm given an assignment and then I do the assignment just like everyone else and I get my grades back and it's always a B always. Am I no better than a B? I don't know how to improve something or make it amazing or just make it so that the work and the amount of time I spend thinking about my assignments pays off. I'm so stressed out right now that even making this post makes me want to cry.

I want to do something great I want to become someone great. I want to achieve something so bad that I sit here and I look at AIP and I look at my major and my life and I think, 'my how small you are.' I want to be big, I want to be out there doing things. COming to Pittsburgh was a big deal for me; it felt huge. Now, however AIP and Pittsburgh feel so small and I don't know why. I'm so stressed and I feel like I work so hard just to please my teachers to get this magical report card. I want to learn more than just computer programs and how to please others.

I'm so freaking tired of redoing assignments to get an A.

I was looking at colleges earlier. I'm thinking about transfering schools. I think I may want to become an illustrator. I was looking at schools and at illustration majors and I was dissappointed. Dissappointed because I realized that I don't really like graphic design anymore. I don't like corporate design - designing for capital means. I'm SO sick of designing things purely for money/assignments. I know that primarily illustrators illistrate for money, but it's art. It is not typography. That's another thing, I HATE typography. LETTERS THATS ALL THEY ARE - FREAKING LETTERS. There are only so many things you can do with them! I hated my first typography class because of my teacher and now my second one isn't that great. Typography is like a third of graphic design and it pisses me off. So basically, illustration might be a better major. Especially since when I think about drawing and painting and learning to create things like I've seen them create, I feel butterflies and giddyness.

I've loved art since I was a child, but right now I hate being in art school. I hate doing endless assignments without good feedback. I want to learn so bad that I can taste it. I want to learn and create and I'm not sure how to do that. I only know one thing, the answer probably isn't at AIP.

You know how you know you're probably changing schools? You get really upset at the thought of leaving your friends before getting upset over leaving the school.

I'm very tired right now, so these thoughts may change in the future, but my current state of mind is this.

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