What irritates me is that I got a B- on another one of my projects for him, one in my other class with him, that was because I didn't include a design element, but still. I have this feeling that he is exactly like one of my other teachers, one from last quarter who saw me as a B student and would not increase my grade because she saw me as a B student. She graded on what she liked and I have a feeling this teacher is doing the same. And I know I wouldn't care if I got a B or B- if the teachers gave me insightful and telling feedback. One sentence about my work does not give me any clue as to what I'm doing wrong. If there was a list of reasons about why it was wrong or it didn't work I would just fix it and move on but no I get one damn sentence.
I'm so tired of working so hard for these damn grades. The one teacher (I mentioned her above) I re-did a LOT of my work for her and she still wouldn't give me an A-. I passed that class with an 89.9% after working my ass off and yet my two other friends didn't even really try and got As. I know they can't give you points for trying, that's not how it works in the real world, but STILL. POINT NINE PERCENT. POINT NINE. I think I may always be bitter about that.
I'm so tired of working so hard and stressing. If I'm not stressing out about a paper I have to write it's about my grades or my future. Now that I know what I want and I know I can achieve it I have to just maintain good grades until graduation, but I'm only in my fourth quarter and I'm going haywire. I'm so stressed out right now that I literally just want to go home and sleep for like a year. I have a three week break coming up at the end of this quarter but before that I have finals AND moving out to deal with. I'm going to lose it soon, I just know it.
I'm sometimes boggled by how much I've changed. I can remember clinging to c-'s in high school, praying for the ability to graduate. I was HAPPY with B's HAPPY. Like when I look at my life it seems like a smooth transition from losery un-learn-ed almost drop out to dean's list student but then I think about it from another perspective and I feel weird. My friends don't know Emily the slacker, Emily the almost-drop-out. They don't know the person I was when I was sitting in my loft at home crying and trying to explain to my mom why I wasn't going to school again. Now I'm Emily the over-achiever, Emily the picky, Emily the perfectionist who has to have everything her way or it usually just doesn't make sense.
I miss the old Emily. I miss the girl who would have so much in common with everyone. I miss the girl who didn't have to have things perfect when it came to school. I feel like I used to be this person who could relax and didn't give a shit about anything, but no I've always been this anally retarded. I remember staying up all night to finish projects - getting them perfect. I remember getting irritated with my mom when she put things in the 'wrong' spots in the kitchen.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sick of being me. I mean no, okay I like few things about me, but their are still a few. I guess I'm just sick of thinking about making myself better. Most of the time I can't relax around friends for fear that I will say something 'wrong' or I'll sound bossy or douche-baggy. I'm sick of always being on my guarde, but I feel like if I'm me I'll just end up alone. I'm probably venturing into self-loathing territory now, but I just need to talk.
I don't wanna be this person forever, this person who has to act perfectly or else she's afraid her friends will never speak to her. I'm so afraid of living alone - outside of the school dorms - because I don't think my friends would still be my friends. I used to think I was bad at keeping up with friendships, but the only real friendships I've had (before AIP) have been with Dana - who stopped being my friend a while ago, and Tyler - who I haven't met in real life. So I'm so afraid that no one will ever talk to me again/I'll be trying to keep up with this friendship that doesn't exist, and they'll just be over me.
Dana's friendship has fucked me over so many times. I keep thinking that all friendships will consist of me trying to be their friend and them just tolerating my presence. It is weird for me when people actually care about my day or how I've been and actually listen. It is weird for me when my friends don't seem like they're just tolerating me, but actually acting like they care. I think I'm forever going to be this person who suspects that when people want to be my friend they're really just wanting someone around who wants to be with them. I told that to Dana, I told her that I was sick of being friends because I needed her in my life and because she only needed someone to need her. I told her that I don't need her in my life anymore but that I want her in my life and she has yet to respond. I FINALLY told her why she's screwed me up and now the only thing left to do is fix myself, but it seems like the more I try to become a normally social friend or person the more abnormal I become.
Since I've come to AIP I've been constantly disecting my relationships with my friends to make sure that I'm not screwing it all up. I've never once before felt like I had to make sure my friendships with people were okay. I can't tell whether or not my need to do this started because I finally made some friends (other than the afformentioned) or because I care about these people so much. I don't know how or why I became friends with these people, but I can't imagine living with out them. I can't imagine not having friends like them.
Sometimes I think that I'm experiencing this all as if it were like high school. Like I came to high school and grabbed myself a social life and I'm now going through all this crap that I never did back then.
I remember when I was in second grade my teacher gave us all a book called 'Leo the Late Bloomer' and it was about this tiger that couldn't do anything as well as the other 'kids' and then one day he learned how to do all this stuff - he was a late bloomer. Sometimes I think about this book and wonder if that's me.
I seem to have run out of steam for this post. I got sidetracked by that book and I desperately want to read it right now.
I don't know what to make of my self-analyzation, just that I felt like talking/writing and so I did. I don't have anymore to say for now.
Sorry this post is so long.