Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again
emella

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Ramble me this

Sometimes I get this feeling, this extremely urgent feeling of energy to do something or create something. It's like this huge river running through me with nowhere to go and if I don't create something useful or beautiful, if I don't let the energy out or let the river flow sometimes I think I'll just burst.

I have these moments of something like anxious insanity in which I want to create something so badly and I can't and it drives me crazy. I feel like there is something in me, like a painting or a sculpture or I'm not sure, just something, that I'm meant to create but can't. Sometimes I can just sit down and draw or create a graphic and it's just something I'm doing to pass time. Other times I have such a sense of urgency to create something that it's like an insatiable hunger that will never be filled.

I want so badly to succeed. But beyond that I want so badly to create. But beyond that I want so badly to create something successful. I don't understand this insatiably unfulfilling hunger, I can usually satiate it by writing or creating icons or a graphic or drawing, but most times I just end up unsuccessfully trying to fill this hungry void and give up once I've tried to fill it too many times.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so hungry and other times I just wonder if this is what it means to be an artist. If there is ever this need to create something so badly.

Sometimes I think I can't ever really be an artist because I don't have any really creative ideas. I'm the type of person that has to draw what they see, so it's extremely hard to draw something from my mind. Maybe this is why I feel so hungry. It seems that no matter what I imagine I can't let it out. There is a wall between my mind and my fingers that I can't breakdown. Beyond that though it's like there aren't any unique ideas. I never have unique enough or artistic enough ideas. At least that's what I feel like. I don't really have all these fantastical images floating around in my head, because I would need to see them first-if you know what I mean. I'm a visual and a tactile learner so it's hard to visualize something that I can't see or touch. It's like a self-inflicted loop. Although it's subconscious I'm sure.

I don't have any answers about this, I'm just talking. I don't know why I'm talking about this, I guess I'm just waxing poetic on some ideas and feelings that float through me.

Good luck trying to understand this. :P
Tags: general, me
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