Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again

The high is over.

The high in my life is finally over. The drug induced blindness has finally worn off.

Find out what I mean here:

I am feeling sad and depressed. Have you ever seen something or thought about something that seemed pathetic or that made you just feel so bad? I kind of feel that way about several things. I was on a couple journals today and just felt ...sad.

Then I started thinking about all those things in life that seem sad. Like there is this line in the book "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" about this lady, Margaret, she's seen at least a thousand movies and when a couple of the girls watch a movie with her, she's really excited about their reactions, and the one girl wonders how many people had seen movies with Margaret.

Things like that make me want to cry. I hate feeling like such a girl all the time. LIke the world is this sucky place and no matter what you do it will always be sucky. I hate giving people pity and feeling bad for them, it's like your saying 'you are so pathetic that you need pity and I only want to give you pity for that reason.'

It all just sucks. I hate having to feel bad for people, why do good or fun or interesting people get swept under the rug because one little thing about them is broken or different or just not perfect.

I feel like this little girl standing in the rain trying to understand why it's raining. Why is the world a sucky place? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we do the things that are right and get crapped on? Why do we do the wrong things and everything stays the same.

Why is everything the way it is?

I'm selfish a lot. I want material things and to have things because they give me momentary pleasure and distract me from the bad things that I don't want to see. I don't want to see the people in Rwanda dieing from starvation or people living in cardboard boxes on the streets.

I've lived in a bubble for 18 years and I'll probably stay in my bubble because that's how I was brought up and that's how I am supposed to be. I'm supposed to worry about getting in to college and ponder over what to wear on my next date, when should I start saving for my first car? What color lipstick will go with those shoes? Why can't I have both colors of that skirt?

I was brought up in a material world, I'm a material girl through and through. I've never really had to work for anything and I don't know what the meaning of life is. I love things that some people haven't even heard of. I mean have starving indonesian people ever seen Buffy?

I don't understand why I am handed this great life and I complain about it. I don't understand why a little girl in Africa is thankful to have enough food to survive, yet I complain over where to go to dinner.

I don't understand why everything is wrong and different. Why do we do the things we do and ignore the bad? Why don't we ever stop talking and wanting and actually look around?

We're brought up to believe we can do better, we can succeed and our lives will be amazing, all we have to do is set our minds to it. Can that starving girl in Africa be a rock star? No, She doesn't want to be a rock star, all she wants is to live.

The bullshit of society and the brainwashing of TV is getting to me. My life was supposed to be perfect to fall into place after high school. I was supposed to go to college get a career, fall in love, have kids, and be happy.

Yet here I am, almost a year out of high school, and barely getting into college. I have no clue what I want to do with my life and life just seems hard.

Everything was supposed to be perfect and good and nothing was supposed to be bad. I've grown up in this society that has taught me to be a material girl, a Barbie Doll with nothing to stop her but herself. I'm supposed to know what I want out of life and I'm supposed to set my mind to it and get it. I am supposed to be pretty. I'm supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be everything but me.

I always thought my life was supposed to fall into place. I thought I would be what I was supposed to. Now, I'm just tripping over my own feet and realizing that nothing is what it's supposed to be. I'm crashing from this huge high that's been building since I was born.

I was supposed to have everything click and be perfect and I was supposed to get everything I ever dreamed possible.

But now that I'm not, I'm crashing and burning and the pain of the fall hurts so much. I don't understand life. I don't feel like I ever will. I'm just a scared little girl, afraid of growing up and having to face the real world. I'm never going to be the Barbie Doll with the perfect life.

I'm not going to have things handed to me anymore. I'm not going to have everything click.

Nothing is going to be simple. My life will get harder, and easier, it will become painful, and happy.

I won't be a Barbie Doll ignoring the rest of the world. Because what you learn when you finally fall, finally realize life isn't going to be easy, is that in this world;

There are no Barbie Dolls.


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