Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again

My fears

So I had a phone conversation with Tyler and he didn't want to use the word rediculous, but he used the word ridiculous to describe me going into Video Production.

emella : So I freaked out.
poisontaster helped me out.
poisontaster : Why stressed?
emella : Heh
emella : School stuff, career stuff, future stuff
poisontaster : Sam & Dean. Will probably/may become Sam/Dean later.
emella : I'm freaking out
poisontaster : Ah. The BIG stuff.
emella : That's awesome
emella : Yup
poisontaster : So tell me about it.
emella : I leave for Pittsburgh in a week ans a half to waste 40 grand on a career that might not make me happy
poisontaster : Well, I assume you're not paying the 40G up front...if it doesn't seem like you want to do after giving it a try, you can always CHANGE, hon.
emella : I'm going to go for an associates degree in Video Production, but no one around me (excluding my mom) thinks I'm not doing the right thing
poisontaster : Hmm. Is it what YOU want to do?
poisontaster : this your dream?
emella : *nod* Yeah. This will be my second chance at a career roll of the dice. I went to a random college for a quarter not knowing really what I wanted to do and I ended up coming home. I hated coming home and just feeling like a failure, so it's really this or bust
poisontaster : Okay, firstly? It's never bust.
poisontaster : You can try as many things as you want for as long as it takes you.
emella : I don't know, I mean yes, I want to do this, but it's this HUGE aspiration and goal to take on. I don't really have a dream
poisontaster : Secondly, if it's what you want, don't let anyone drag you down off your dream.
emella : Yeah but in the real world I feel like shit that I'm not in college halfway to my career by now
poisontaster : *nods* I get that. I never really had a DREAM. I just like to write.
emella : *nod*
poisontaster : And there are always people who will make you feel like you SHOULD have those things.
poisontaster : But really?
poisontaster : There ARE NO SHOULDS.
poisontaster : People thought blacks shouldn't vote. Or that women shouldn't do anything but be married and have kids.
poisontaster : Don't listen to should.
emella : *nod*
emella : You know what's the worst? Is like I'm not even really getting outright dissaproval, I just always feel like my family (excluding my mom and grandma) are silently judging and frowning in dissaproval. It's just, I dunno, I'm so intimidated and scared and like LITTERALLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND
poisontaster : It's okay to be afraid, hon.
poisontaster : We're ALL afraid. I'm afraid all the time.
poisontaster : Just...don't let fear STOP you.
emella : When I went away the first time I was settling for a school, I just applied and got in which was great, but I didn't really think about my options, this time around I am really weighing my options and what I want and I just don't know, I'm just so scared I'm going to fail
emella : I'm trying not to, fear has basically stolen two years of my life. When I graduated HS I did nothing because I was so scared of doing the wrong thing. Then last year I went away to school and ended up coming home, thus spuring on my obsession with not failing
poisontaster : *nods* But you have time. You don't have to be tied into this one thing forever. And if you fail, so what? At least then you know what you DON'T want to do. Everything I've ever learned, I've learned mostly from the stuff I failed at.
poisontaster : We all fail sometimes. It's not ABOUT that. It's what you do with yourself AFTER you fuck up that defines you.
emella : Yeah, but I just, I dwell and agonize and I just I dunno, I always feel afraid and worried of one thing or another
poisontaster : *nods*
emella : I guess I just have to bite thee bullet and do stuff, just rip off the bandaid, but what if the results just bite me in the ass? What if I screw up to the point that I end up living in a suburb working as a temp for the rest of my life. I don't want that at all and It's like my life is always made up of two pronged forks and I have to pick one thing or the other. I guees I just feel like unless I grab this and do it, because I want to, I'll never have *any* hapiness
poisontaster : I mean, the thing is, there are no right answers.
poisontaster : But thats just not true. And you can ALWAYS change. My grandmother didn't learn to paint until she was in her sixties. She's the coolest person I've EVER known.
emella : *nod*
emella : I hope I can do this, I'm just so scared of the outcome. heh
poisontaster : *nods* It's never as bad as you think it is.
emella : I hope not.
poisontaster : You can do this. And like I said...if it turns out that you DON'T want to do Vid Prod? Do something else. It's never too late. People reinvent themselves all the time
emella : I wonder if Sam ever felt like this, is it sad that I think a lot of crap like that, like ww(my tv characters)d?
poisontaster : I think about that kind of stuff ALL THE TIME.
poisontaster : That's the VALUE of story.
emella : Yeah, I want this, I guess I just have to grab the bull by the horns
emella :
poisontaster : Yes.
poisontaster :
poisontaster : And really, in my world, Sam found college to be completely overwhelming for a very long time. Because it wasn't like anything else he'd ever done and none of his old skills applied.
emella : *nod* You know I feel like weird that that gives me strength, but it does, just knowing other "people", whom I kind of look up to went through the same thing
poisontaster : *nods* But sometimes that's TOTALLY where we find strength.
emella : You're the best motivater you know? Like all of our conversations just end up with motivation, you rock at that
emella : *nod*
poisontaster : I'm a very determined person.
emella : That's awesome
emella : I'm more stubborn than determined, if I want something I get it, but it all depends on how much I want it and if it's even pheasable(sp?) in my mind
poisontaster : Like I said, I've spent most of my life afraid of stuff. Stupid stuff. Like "what if so and so doesn't like me" or "what if I don't get an A in this class" and "do I look weird in this"...and I just got to a point where I was still afraid, but I was just going to DO stuff anyway. Because otherwise I was always going to be too scared to do ANYTHING.
emella : *nod* That's exactly it. I worry that people won't like me or I'll be lonely or I'll make a bad impression or that I'm just so different from 'normal' people that no one knows what I'm going through. I also just dwell on things I did or said and I hate that, but I'm trying to fix it
poisontaster : *nods* And what you have to kind of realize, is that EVERYONE is doing that at the same time. Everyone is just kind of scared.
poisontaster : I wish I'd known that sooner.
emella : *nod*
emella : I mean see the thing is on a logical level I know that, I just can't believe it because of how confident some people come across
poisontaster : LOL. Total fakery. I come across as VERY confident...and sometimes I am. But mostly its just a really good act.
emella : Hee!
emella : I just have to remember stuff like that
poisontaster : It gets easier with practise.
emella : I hope so.

So that's me, that's everything for now, I guess.

P.S. My slave is back, he IMed me for more. :P
Tags: college, general, mistress

  • Comparisons

    Okay, so forgive me because I'm high as shit right now. So Mom and I are watching the Supernatural episode with Samhain, and like I was thinking…

  • Dude my life is sooooo busy!

    I am so exhausted. I have been working like a dog. I am not getting paid enough for my job, I figured that out the first week. I've been going in at…

  • Today is a bit brighter than yesterday

    I have an interview tomorrow for a REALLY great company. God I'm so nervous and hopeful. In honor of my good mood have some awesome SPN Vids under…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.