Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again
emella

You Do What You Have To Do

Title: You Do What You Have To Do
Author: Cherry Sinclaire/Emella
E-mail: kevy_s__girl@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own all of these characters. The song ‘Do What You Have To Do’ is by Sarah McLachlan.
Summary: Home. Angel’s P.O.V. SongFic

~~~~~

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do...


He stared at the boy.

A boy, a mortal boy. His son.

So much rage, so much pain. He could feel it all, every ounce of pain and sorrow. His face was etched in eerie calm.

Angel took a step forward. Slowly he edged into the room. There's an explosion behind him and he jumps, startled. The hostages start crying and Connor doesn’t even flinch.

“You might not want to move. Everyone's rigged. Can't save 'em all, dad. Don't know who's gonna be first. Could be any one of 'em.” Connor gets to his feet and reveals that he's wired too. “Could be me.” He turns and points to an unconscious body. Cordelia. “Could be her.”

No, this wasn’t happening, he didn’t let it get this bad. He loved Connor, his son wouldn’t do this. He felt his eyes prickle. He couldn’t let this happen. He wouldn’t let a demon ruin his only family. He takes a deep breath, one he doesn’t need. “Son...you have to listen to me. This is about Jasmine.”

“Jasmine's gone.”

“I know. We all felt it, that perfect love, then when you had to give it up—”

Connor moves suddenly. The blood of his vampire parents coursing through his veins like wildfire as he shoves items off a nearby table. “I didn't feel anything!” Hate. Rage. Pain. Fear. Confusion. They come to Angel in a wave, faster than he can discern, he can practically taste them. “I can't feel anything.”

He doesn’t understand what he’s feeling and Angel swallows back the tears at the realization.

“I guess I really am your son... 'cause I'm dead, too.”

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

and I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go


He takes a few steps forward. He has to stop him. He can’t let this happen. “You're not dead. You're just starting your life and—”

“No, you just weren't there before!” He’s so scared. Angel can feel it because he’s scared too. This isn’t about attention or wanting something. Connor isn’t a deranged psycho who wants money. He’s a scared little boy who doesn’t understand.

“I know. I'm so—”

“Do not say you're sorry! Doesn't fix anything.” Connor turns, takes a step to the side.

“Ok, look, let me say this. I love you, son.” He does. Connor is the most important thing in his life. He can’t lose that. He’ll die first.

“It's a lie.” Anger. Disbelief.

“It's not.”

“It's always a lie.” He sounds defeated. He’s lost what little he had in the world in a few hours. “My dead mother couldn't even love me.”

Angel is thrown by this. Connor doesn’t know much about Darla, but what he does is bad. Angel would’ve killed Holtz just then, if he wasn’t already dead. “You're wrong. She did.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “No. She knew she couldn't.”

“She sacrificed herself because she loved you.” Tears are there behind his eyes, he can barely contain them.

“You tried to love me. At least I think you did.” He says it softly, and Angel can see that Connor’s crying too.

“I still do.” It’s a whisper.

“But not enough to hang on, dad. You let him take me.” Angel knows. He understands. Connor can’t understand why his father, the one who raised him never loved him. He doesn’t understand that Holtz was a monster. “You let him get me. You let him get me.” He digs it in deeper, but Angel recognizes that it’s not to hurt Angel, it’s to hurt himself. Show himself that his beliefs are lies, that a man, a thing who shouldn’t be able to love him, loves him more than the man who taught him what love is, what it‘s supposed to be.

“Cordy... you swore you loved me. Where are you now?” Anger. Connor’s teeth are clenched and Angel knows he doesn’t understand why Cordelia won’t wake up. Why she won’t love him the way he wants.

“Connor... you have to believe that there are people who love you.” He inches forward, swallowing back his tears.

“Jasmine believed you when you said you loved her, but it was all a lie.”

“Jasmine was the lie.”

“No! She knew if you found out who she really was that you'd turn against her, and she was right. That's just what happened.” Connor glances toward an elderly couple huddled in fear. “People like you. People like this. None of you deserve what she could give you.” He sighs, uncomprehendingly. “She wanted to give you everything. “

“I know how that feels. 'Cause I want to give you everything. I want to take back the mistakes, help you start over.” He won’t let his son do this. He won’t.

“We can't start over.” He sounds defeated. Angel can see his tears, and knows that Connor has given up. He’s done.

“We can. I mean, we can change things.”

“There's only one thing that ever changes anything... and that's death.” Angel begins to cry and he knows that this won’t have a happy ending. He can’t save his son; but he’ll try, he loves him too much not to try. “ Everything else is just a lie. You can't be saved by a lie. You can't be saved at all.”

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do


Angel has saved thousands maybe millions of people, he can’t even save his son and a part of him dies.

Connor looks down at his explosive and Angel knows he’s going to activate it. Before Connor can harm himself though, Angel punches him in the chin, sending his head back and pulls out the wire. They begin to fight, and it‘s not sparring anymore. This is life or death. Connor hits him in the head with a weight, then grabs a baseball bat and he swings but misses.

Angel grabs a bowling ball and punches Connor in the face with it. Before Connor can retaliate, however, Angel grabs him and throws him across the room into a wall. Connor falls to the floor and Angel helps the hostages undo their restraints and unwire themselves.

“Run. Hurry. All of you. Go.” If this is going to end in disaster Angel doesn’t want anyone but them to experience it. The hostages leave and Connor initiates the fight again. A kick here, a punch there, Angel’s not really sure, but then he’s flying across the room and Connor’s heading for Cordelia.

Angel smashes a display case containing hunting knives and takes a knife and hurls it across the room where it lands in Connor's thigh. Connor falls and begins to crawl to Cordelia. Angel pulls the knife out of Connor's leg, and turns Connor to face him. He hovers over him, knife clutched in the hand not holding Connor up. This is it. His last moment with his son. It will be better. He hopes.

“I really do love you, Connor.”

“So what are you gonna do about it?” He looks weary and afraid.

Angel almost doesn’t want to watch. The tears form again and he swallows. “Prove it.”

Before Connor can react Angel brings the knife down, sweeping it across Connor’s throat.

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go.
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