Someday you'll need to stand tall again (emella) wrote,
Someday you'll need to stand tall again

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Fic: Imagine (Firefly/Serenity Simon/Jayne)

Title: Imagine
Rating: PG-13
Author: emella
E-mail: kevy_s__girl [AT]
Pairing: Simon/Jayne
Summary: Song fic, AUish, Simon likes to imagine.
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except part of the plot.
Notes: Thank you to my wonderful beta lunabee34. I was feeling very apprehensive about this fic, I wrote it a bit ago and at first it wasn’t working and it just didn’t fit, but hopefully now it works. It's probably too sappy, but please read it anyway and let me know what you think. Feedback is love. :D

Also note that these lyrics are from ‘A Message’ by Coldplay, and that they are out of order. You can find the lyrics in full and in order here.


My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes up
You don't have to be alone

Sometimes Simon imagines that in another life, in a perfect world, he could love Jayne. He thinks that under different circumstances they could actually have had something of a nice romance. Jayne would be different; less of a roughneck, and Simon would be more accepting of him.

Sometimes, after a night filled with sex, they lie together in the afterglow, and Simon imagines a perfect world of what they might have had. He knows it’s silly and childish, but he wonders what life would have been like if things were different.

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it’s so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

Simon imagines that they would meet at the hospital, or some other place where they were forced to work together. They wouldn’t get along, because hey, even Simon’s fantasies are tinged with reality. Jayne would be annoying as ever, and Simon would like him for it, because that kind of appeals to him now. And, of course, they would eventually get together. Simon thinks it would probably be just for sex at first, no feelings or attachments, but a relationship would grow on them.

My song is love
My song is love, unknown
And I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own

They would have sex everywhere; it would be one of those relationships that burn hot for a long time. They would have sex at work, in the locker room and the bunk room and the bathroom, and maybe even the employee lounge. Kisses would be exchanged in secret, behind closed doors and in the middle of awkward situations, because Simon just can’t keep his hands off Jayne.

Simon thinks that they would start to have feelings for each other, because eventually sex leads to possessive tendencies and feelings of belonging, at least in Simon’s fantasies they do.

Jayne would spend more nights at Simon’s apartment than nights at his own and they would do things together like go to bars or the cinema or some awful sporting event that Jayne would drag him to. And then one day Simon would wake up and realize that he’s in love. He imagines that it would be some sort of mutual unspoken agreement. Simon would love Jayne, and Jayne would love Simon, but they would never talk about it. Talking is overrated, and Simon doesn’t need to know what Jayne feels because he already knows, it’s in the way Jayne treats him.

Simon even imagines that one day, things get a little too good. One day his parents come to town, and, of course, he’d moved away from Osiris in his fantasy. His parents were on an entirely different planet, with River, who was getting ready to graduate and had never heard of any government academy. They would come to town and show up on his doorstep as if it were nothing. Simon imagines opening the door with Jayne pawing at him, both giggling over something private, only to be shocked at his parents. Jayne would be confused, and Simon would be shocked, and eventually he would introduce everyone and usher his parents inside. Simon imagines that they would have a terse conversation with his stunned parents and Jayne would feel awkward, and it would just be as uncomfortable as all di yu.

Then Jayne would mention something about running out because he forgot he had to do something, and he would leave for a few hours. Simon’s parents would turn to him once Jayne was gone and demand to know what he’s doing. Simon thinks that they would make him feel guilty for not telling them he was homosexual and they would try to pressure him and make him feel bad.

Simon has never told anyone on Serenity, but his marriage had been arranged for him as a child. When he turns 30, he is supposed to marry some baron’s daughter. So in Simon’s fantasy, he thinks that his parents are angry that he’s forgotten about that. But Simon knows his fantasy self hasn’t forgotten about it; he has simply given in to thinking that if there was enough distance between himself and home he could not be expected to go through with it; it would be forgotten.

His parents would get mad and make him feel guilty and lecture him on family duty and responsibility and all the things Simon already knows about but doesn’t give a go se for. Because Fantasy Simon already knows what rats his parents are, how they wouldn’t try to save River or actually help her in any way that disturbed their perfect happy lives.

And I'm not gonna take it back
Well I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I get that message home

Simon imagines that his parents leave his apartment and eventually Jayne would return. They would probably have a fight then. Simon would feel pressure from his parents, and Jayne would be Jayne and act insensitive and unconcerned. They would argue, saying hurtful things, and Simon can imagine that it all happens so fast, him saying something mean, Jayne saying something meaner. Then Simon feels like crying, and they both feel like everything is being thrown away because of his gorram parents. Simon gets angry and stupid and awkward and says something he can’t take back. So Jayne freezes, the whole argument stopped, and Jayne just looks at him. Then he heads to the door to leave, but he freezes on his way out and without turning he says “I love you.” At the time, though, Fantasy Simon can’t imagine either of them loving one another after the things they’ve said so he makes some sort of half-choked noise clearly displaying that he doesn’t believe Jayne.

And then Jayne leaves.

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until its much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home

A few days later Simon’s parents would come over at the completely wrong time and start to fill his head with doubt. His mother and he would have words and she would ask him to come home, to visit, if for no other reason. Simon agrees because he hasn’t seen River in two years, and he just needs time away.

Simon imagines that he packs his things, carefully folding clothes and tucking away knick-knacks. He makes a box for Jayne’s things and leaves it with the doorman to their building. Simon sub-lets his apartment for a few months, and he has some vacation-time coming from the hospital so he’s ready to go. He’s glad to leave, if only for a little while, and his tears taste like ash on the long shuttle-ride home.

Sometimes Simon imagines that Jayne finds out about Simon going home and he rushes to the shuttle port. He never gets there in time.

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
But I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home

When he gets home, Simon is pleased to find River happy and well. She’s about to get her doctorate in history, and he smiles hollowly at her cheerfulness. Later though, he imagines her coming to his room and smiling at him sadly, knowing what has happened. Because in a world where little girls aren’t experiments, River is beautiful and smart and has grown up happy, learning to be kind and intuitive and never scared of anything.

Simon slowly starts to get over everything that’s happened between himself and Jayne. The hospital his father works for is looking to recruit him. Simon thinks about it and decides that getting away from his old life would make avoiding Jayne all that much simpler.

Simon takes the job, and before he knows it, he’s got a new apartment just outside the city. He makes new friends and sends for the rest of his things back where he used to live; everything starts to fall into place. Sometimes, though, Simon can’t fill his emptiness with a full social life or a nicer wardrobe.

A year passes and he’s grown into his life; he has regular visits from family, and he throws parties with friends. Simon even goes out on a few dates, though never with men. Two years pass, and the hospital gives him a promotion; Simon buys a house that’s too big for him. After three years Simon starts to develop insomnia; he stays up late watching the cortex or drinking. He takes more shifts at work and tries to ignore the gaping chasm in his life. He imagines that it has become like a black hole, sucking him away into nothingness bit by bit.

River is happy; she goes back to school, this time to learn the law, and Simon imagines how happy he is for her. She visits him sometimes and gives him sympathetic smiles. They never talk about Jayne or the insomnia, but Simon knows that River has connected the dots. His life is empty, but she always wants to fill it.

Simon imagines that about 3 months before his thirtieth birthday, his parents introduce him to his future wife. She’s slightly gawky, but pretty all the same, and he pretends to be happy with her. Imogene is two years younger than he is, but their parents want them wed as soon as possible. The details are taken care of by their mothers, and he and Imogene have a politely awkward courtship.

On the day of his wedding, Simon stands in front of a mirror staring at a shell of a person. He supposes that he should examine his attire, but all he sees are the vacancies in him. His cousin informs him that it’s time to go, and Simon examines himself one last time, he thinks he watches something die inside.

Simon thinks that he would be at the doorknob when it happens. He would open the door to see Jayne attached to the outside handle, ready to come in.

It takes a minute before Simon realizes what he’s seeing. And then he stares. Jayne would look the same, maybe a little ragged from the shuttle ride, but overall the same. And before he can say anything Jayne’s kissing him, and it’s like three years is gone. He’s standing back in his old living room and the fight never even happened. He imagines that all the emptiness and solitude, the cold hollow in him filled with love, because as cheesy as it sounds that’s how things are in his perfect world.

They kiss for what seems like hours, and when they break apart, Jayne’s lips brush his as he says ‘I love you.’

And Simon imagines that that night, after everything is said and done, he feels complete again, and he sleeps soundly.

My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home

Simon likes to imagine these things in the afterglow, when he can truly appreciate Jayne, because Jayne isn’t the type of person to show what he’s feeling. Jayne doesn’t say how he feels or let Simon know what he thinks, but that doesn’t mean Simon doesn’t know. No one would ever believe the things Jayne’s capable of when they’re together. Jayne touches him, and everything Simon imagines becomes a bit more clear, a bit more real. Simon can see the man that Jayne could be, so he imagines a perfect world in which Jayne can be that man.

Tags: fic, firefly, simon/jayne

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