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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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Supernatural - B&W Sam&Dean

I'm so sad

Okay, so I've been really kind of emotionally stupid all day. I feel like one good kick to the ribs and I will be emotionally down for the count for a long long time.

It's like something in the finale set me off. I guess it's just like everything is changing so much, Jared's married, Jensen's getting married, the show is coming to a close, everyone is starting to move on and yet it's like I haven't changed.

I know I have like by about a million degrees, but in some ways I'm still in the same spot I was four years ago.

When I discovered SPN it was on the verge of exploding into a ginormous fandom, and then it did and now it's like everything is on the decline. Even though we have one more season I just feel like it's all ending and that's just so sad it makes me want to sob.

I just keep hearing the opening lines to 'A Long December' by the Counting Crows in my head.

'A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last'




A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
(Na na na, etc. yeah)

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California
I think you should
(Na na na, etc. yeah)

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should
(Na na na, etc. yeah)

That song is like the meaning of Supernatural to me, it's like that song just everything about it is the feeling of Supernatural, this feeling of hope and sadness and this is what happened and it will change and be better and it will be okay.

It's like everything is moving on and I really really don't want it to. I guess in a lot of ways I don't want to move on.

When I lost my job in November I was devastated, and although I've been looking for new work, I think some part of me doesn't believe that life will ever be as good as it was when I was in school. I'm drawing parallels with Supernatural, the height of fandom has been during these past few years when I was in school and the possibility of saying goodbye to Supernatural is making me realize that life really is changing and I can't do anything to stop it. I don't want to say goodbye to this time in my life.

I've never been someone who is good with involuntary change and the fact that Supernatural is coming to a close parallels my life in a way that I'm not sure I can deal with.

I try so hard to be hopeful for what's next, and logically I know that things will be good again, but I can't help it, my heart feels like it's breaking.

I just want to capture Supernatural, the fandom, the fics, the vids, the eps, the actors, just everything ever involved in it and put it in a big bottle that I can take out and play with whenever I feel like it.

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. My sadness is so overwhelming.

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