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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

I'm cracking up. I'm cracking up I'm cracking up I'm cracking up im cracking up im cracking up im cracking up

I cant do this i cant im so tired and i cant do this i cant i just want to get paid and start clean and it never goes right and she wont listen and i have to swallow it all up

WHY DOESNT ANYONE EVER FUCKING UNDERSTNAD! I'm going to explode. No one understands and ICANT FUCKING WORK ON YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MAP ANYMORE AND I CNAT FUCKING DO THIS ANY FUCKING MORE FUCK YOU FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFCUKYOU FUCKFUCKFFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

I WANT TO SCREAM AND IM SURROUNDED BY FUCKING UNEMOTIONAL ROBOTS AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS AND IT HURTS AND IT FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK

IM IN FUCKING PAIN AND FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HAE NO MONEY AND FULFILLMENT AND I FUCKINF WONT TAKE YOUR INTERNSHIP EXCEPT THAT I MIGHT AND JUST FUCK YOU FUCK FYOU I CAN FEEL THE ANGER AND THE TEASR AND ITS GIANT BALL OF FUCKING FUCKINF FURY AND I WONT MAKE ANYMORE GODDAMN CHANGES AND I FONT FUCK FUCK

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKFYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKIYOU

im hollow inside because ive gone crazy

i cant do this anymore and i feel broken and angry and i want to walk away
i could just walk away and never come back

what if i just left
left the world for good

forever

just went to mexico and lived in crappy conditions washing tables

everythings a mess and i cant clean it up and i cant fix anythng and im so fuckinf angry that i have no control or no options

THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!

i FUCKIGN CANT EVEN SCREAM I CANT FUCKINF EVEN SCREAM FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUK

i just want to live and this isnt living this is working

this int living this is working
i dont want to work i want to live
when did work stop being fun
when did life become so horribly demandingwhen did i get fucked over

sometimes i cant tell if im in heaven or hell and nothing feels like earth because thats too gray

maybe if i just leeched gray everywhere then life would be so much easier

im broken like a fucking broken thing

i cant.

not even break is sacred
no camera
no money
FUCK YOU

maybe i should just check out


leave the world forever
just go and live off the land

i cnat do this living thing anymore im too fucking old

nothing makes sense and no one understands NO ONE NO ONE NOONE ONNOONE FUCKING UNDERSTNADDS ANUTHNG

nothing nothing nothing

no one will listen

why am i even here

why am i here why why whywhywhywhwywhyw

if no one cares then whats the point

i cant even see it for what it is
what it is
no oney
but i dont care for money
i just want to be happy

if no one cares and i just live to be happy and im unhappy then that means im not living

maybe i'm just an imaginary thing

i dont even exist

maybe these arent my hands and maybe im not here

maybe i dont even type
mabe its not even real

im just a ball of white life

if i just stop will it go away no

none of it willever matter

i dont matter i cant ever accept that and i will forever try to prove that i do matter

i dont belong i dont belong i dont belong

no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares and my fingers hit the keys while you play fucking word challenge and nothing matters and no one cares

i could just leave

where would i go

i could go nowhere i could just go
i could live under a bridge

i could just go just fo justgo just go just gojustgo

fuck the pills fuck the pills i dont want to go on them

fuck the pills fuck the pills fuck the pills fuck the pills fuck the pills
no one will listen i will just talk through my fingers forever
keep writing forever until its filled then write more more more more more more more more moer moer moer

it will dim the world will dim and nothing cares and no one helps and no one listens and i cant live no money no money no money no money no money no money i die i die die i die i die die die ide

i just write write write write writw write write write

NONONONONONON I will not just go paint i will not i will explode into nothingness becasue i cant exist if no one cares and idont care and no one else cares then i wont exist i wont eixst i wonte seixti wont esixt

wjat is the point the point what is the point
the blinking lights and the reen and rec and yellow and the cars and the night and this room and people and life what is the point

i need escape

im not a monkey you know im not a monkey im not a performing monkey i dont just work and work and work and work and work for nothing i dont i dont

i cant i cant i cant no one they arent real they arent reall THEY ARENT REAL EMILY WHY DO YOU THINK THEY WILL LISTEN OR CARE WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO GODDAMN HARD BECAUSE NO ONE IS LISTENING AND NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU BECAUSE THEY DONT CARE AND YOU DONT EXIST BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU

no one



no one

you know what came out of me?
this came out of me.

this mess of crap because you wouldnt listen and your daughter is crazy mom
your doaughter is crazy

crazy as FUCK

obviously

you know somethings wrong with you when you fantasize about screaming ebcause you cant



ill never not be crazy

ive been crazy for 5 years ill be crazy forever

no one cares

they care as much as they care for their pet or their tube sox

just another thing that wont really matter in the end

its all just there living beneath the skin and eating up nothing because theres nothing there

no bones or skin or fuckinf fucking fuckinf anything

what the hell happened to me?



what happned?

shes at the end of her rope and i cant let her see this ever she has no money and time and way to carry all this weight

she'll smoke herself to death


i'll just close it down and bottle it up and become nothing

the feelings just push me down until i dont have them and i live through nothing because im nothing

my fingers are sore

nothing

nothing

Comments

You write beautifully, even when you're going insane, and no one can take that away from you. As for leaving? YOU SHOULD. I did, and it was the best decision I ever made.
I am very worried about you, sweetheart. If you need anything from me, please don't hesitate to ask.