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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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Brokeback - Jake Exist

Life

It just hit me, while I was lying in bed, that in roughly four months, My mom is going to pull up to our house with all of my stuff piled in the car, and she's going to pull into the garage and turn off the engine and it will all be over. My big adventure will be over and I'll just be me again, Emily.

It hit me tonight, for like the first time that in about four months I won't be coming back to Pittsburgh. I won't have the comfort of seeing my teachers every quarter or so, I won't run into long-ago acquaintances in the halls. I won't laugh or learn or be at my school.

As much as I dislike the fact that my school is a somewhat for-profit school with a somewhat meh name, I've lived here, in these halls and class rooms, I've met these people and learned from them and the school is mine. It will always be mine. As much as I hate that my diploma won't be super-duper prestigious, I was happy here for a while.

I am happy.

I left home almost three years ago in search of something. This whole thing could have turned out just like Wright State and my path would have ended in a wholy different place, not necessarily a bad place, but somewhere not-here. I think I got lucky and I think God loves me, because I'm happy.

It's just that it hit me tonight that this big exciting time is about to start, but this other big exciting time is about to end. My life is going to begin, but this happiness and happenstance of a chance is about to end. I won't walk into a classroom and have class with my friends, or I won't wave to a teacher in the hall. I won't stand in line for coffee or buy supplies at the supply store. My grand adventure will be over.

I've always felt the desire to have an extraordinary life, but I've always felt too ordinary to have anything magnificent or unique. I'm a child of the individuality school of thought and I always wanted to do something great. It's only been in the last few years that I've realized that something great is only as good as how happy you are.

Part of me will never understand what it was like to live here.

I've been desperate for a camera to be able to take pictures of my life, to preserve these memories and be able to remember who I was, who I am. But I guess I will never really be able to understand what it was like, what it is like to be here. I only have my few sparse memories and those funny stories that friends tell.

Life here was hard, but there's a kind of duality here as well. I've never been one for shades of gray and as such my life here was misery and wonderment. There were days, oh there were days, but then there were times when it all melted away and the happiness that I've felt, and the person I've become outweigh all of the bad days.

I'm not sure how I'll feel come June 19th, but I know now that I am happy, that I was happy. My life has blurred around me like everything else and that's the hardest thing to see and accept. I won't remember everything, and try hard as I might I will forget things, no matter how many pictures I take.

I guess, I just feel like this life is moving so fast. Everything is flying by me, and not only will I be graduating soon, one day I'll wake up and be 50, and then 80.

I believe in reincarnation, and there are times when I think that this is my last life. I just look at things as they move too fast and in ways that I'm not used to and I just feel like the end is near. There's something in me that knows that this life counts and that after this well, that's all folks.

I'm not sure where this life will take me or what will happen in a few months but I hope that I continue to live with reckless abandon. I hope that I get the chance to do things that are great and see things that haven't been seen. I hope that my life will be amazing because I want to experience everything. I want everything to matter.

In four months I will graduate, and begin a new life, but this reverberation of one thing ending feels like something different. I never realized until tonight, and tonight I didn't even realize it fully, how much I won't see again. I won't ever see all of these same people again, I won't ever schedule classes or stand in line for coffee. I won't haul illustrations to and from school or bitch about not having money. I won't walk the halls or browse the gallery, I won't be here and I won't live this life again. In four months something will end and I'm only just realizing that this ending while happy, will also be sad.

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