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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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SGA - Rodney Alone

I'm an awful awful person.

Sometimes I slip and forget how fragile some people are. I forget that we've all been abused for being different at some point in our lives and that that experience can make us feel awful for a good long while and that the scar tissue of being different, the scars we bear, hurt more than the wound.

Because scars are more than just flesh. Scars are there forever and are a reminder of who we once were and how we were once broken. Flawless and innocent until we are cut so deeply that the wound marks us, it can't heal and we bleed and bleed and bleed a thousand times over because we keep seeing that scar, feeling it's presence and we know that it's there.

Always a reminder of something bad, but more than just that, a mark of time, a mark that signifies that we were once good and pure and felt nothing bad, and when scarred we understand the world and how cruel it is. These scars don't just remind us of a wound they remind us of the betrayal of who we once were and the who we aren't now.

I'm such a stupid person.

Some people act so strong and tough but one small word brings them to their knees and it's awful. It's awful because not only do you bring them to their knees, but it's a betrayal. A betrayal that you've hurt them and reminded them of their scars.

Sometimes I forget that I can read people so easily, sometimes I forget that there are people out there who have been just as broken as I am.

I hate that I did that, I hate that I made another person feel as awful as I once did. I hate that they think that.

I want to feel angry that she assumes so much, but I can't because I made her feel like that, and that tops everything that I should feel.

...

You know I recently took a personality test for my psych class and in doing so I realized what type of person I am. I am an ENFJ. I am a people person, it says, and it's funny, because the more I think about it, the more I understand who I am and what this says about me. Now I'm not saying that I think I am this way because it says so, I'm saying that when I read this and think about who I am and how I interact with people and why I do the things I do, I understand that this is me; plain and simple.

I have severe emotional reactions when other people have emotional reactions. If someone is crying, I feel the need to cry. If someone is feeling depressed, I feel depressed. Tonight I expressed my opinion about something to one of my roommates, and I forgot that I can be overly critical - I'm not sure why that is or where that comes from - but in doing so my roommate thought I was saying a lot more than I was and took my small irritated comment to mean that I thought she was annoying and had no life. This distressed me greatly. I feel horrible for what I did and to I felt so strongly about the situation that I said that I would make it up to her by reading a book she liked. (It doesn't sound like it makes sense but it does)

I am surprised at my actions and in the same vein I'm not at all suprised. I don't know, the more I think about the whole situation the more my brain wants to hurt. I over think things waaaaay too much, and yet I never feel like it's enough...

I don't know. I'm going to sleep.

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