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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

December 2010

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Supernatural - Castiel fresco

Oh Holy crap Scared

I've been trying not to talk about getting in to school for fear of jinxing it, but I HAVE to talk about something.

There is a mental state in which I sometimes slip into, I'll refer to it as the black hole. During this time I feel hopeless. I hate that so much and I feel just completely lost.

I hate this feeling.

It's triggered by random things, and tonight I can't seem to shake the mood. I was thinking about college and about going off to where I want and I was struck by how lonely it would be. I can almost feel the panic attack start when I think about going off to college and not making friends and not enjoying myself and just plain feeling like crap.

So anyway, I'm trying to kick myself out of this black hole of dispair, and I can't shake it. Please GOD someone tell me that if I do get into the school I want(And please don't reassure me that I'll get in, you'll only jinx it) that I will be able to go there and be myself and make friends and get a job and have fun.

In my experiences, the only way I made friends in high school was because there were other lonely losery people like me, and we all had to be there. So basically we could share the misery and bond with it.

I'm scared out of my fucking mind at the prospect of going away to school again. The last time I tried it, it was hell. Yes, I had a friend there, but my roomate sucked, I never went to one of my classes, and I was bored as all fuck.

I really really really want to get into this art school, but beyond getting in, I don't know if I could actually go. I have this like fucked up vision in my head that I will become like Cinderella or something and I'll go away to school (again), and I'll make friends and get along with my roomates and eventually get a job and I'll like all my classes, and pass with good if not great grades.

I want that to happen so bad, but there's also this side of me that says, Oh god, what if it's like last time. What if I have a fucked up roomate or two and my classes all suck and I can't/won't get a job, and I can't get decent grades, and all the people there have their own little niches and cliques and I can't find ANYONE, at least at Wright State I had Leah, and I could go home on Weekends. If I get in and go to AIP I wouldn't have anything but a phone and my computer. Not that I don't love you guys, but a girl needs at least 1 RL friend.

Please just tell me from like experience that if I get in and I get there I won't be completely alone. Please?

Comments

you're not alone, you will make friends. You're funny and nice. That is a great combination in a person.
I've been there, the feeling and always( I mean always) think the worst. That causes panic attacks...trust me...don't get that far.
You're NEVER alone!
Thank you so much. :)
I think you don't have to worry that much. If you truly want to go to this art school, then it is nearly sure that you will like the classes. If you like what you do, that's already a very good thing.

When I went to faculty it was just the same for me. I fear not to make any friend. I stayed alone for nearly two months but it was only because I was not open to people, I was expecting them to come to me whereas I should have come to them. But I was too proud, I was always saying to myself I would rather being alone than being with people I dislike. But the thing is you can't always know at first sight if you can get along with someone or not.
Most of time, you have more things in common than you think.
Try to talk nice with everyone and you'll nearly see at once which one you're more likely to get along with. Even if they're already friends with other people, you can still become a part of the group or the person can leave her/his band for you.
The only thing you have to remember, I think, is just to be open and to try to be nice with everyone, even the ones you despise at first. And there will be no reason you won't find decent friends.

You don't have to worry about those "back holes". It happened to me a lot. I changed of schools 3 times. It is important to find a schhol whose atmosphere suits you best, if it doesn't it can only be painful and leads you to nervous breakdowns.
But at first you always have to hang on, it is never easy but this is just a little period, then things get better. If after one month they still haven't, you have to wonder what's wrong and take the good decisions to change that.

I hope I helped a bit and that you'll feel better soon. :)
Hugs you.
Lumiana

I know what you mean, it's like that internal thing that if you expect to not make friends, you won't.

Thanks for your support and your helpful words, it always helps just to have understanding friends. :)
Remember everyone that starts school is just as alone as the next person. College is the one place that you make friends easily. You will be fine and you will be far from alone. It was the best time of my life! I learned so much about myself and people in general!!! You will love it!!! I promise!
Thanks hun. :)
Hey, knock it off. You're feeding the downward spiral. Lemme tell you a little secret: fake it til you make it. I'm dead serious, here. Literally, pretend to be the person you want to be. You want to be that cool chick with friends and all that - then you ARE. Do what she would do. Think what she would think. And she, cool as she is, would look toward school as an adventure, and try to find the most interesting classes and talk to the people that interest her.

Look, we're all at least some level of geek around here - it comes with the territory. You're smart and observant, so you can find the place that you want to be in and put yourself there. You have to believe that you can do it, and you have to believe that you deserve it. Cause you do. Now, go kick ass.
Lol. :)

Thank you for this. I've thought about doing this before, I keep flashing on an old Simpson's episode in which Lisa acts like a really cool girl even though she isn't and she successfully gains some nice cool friends. :)

Thanks so much for the support and the fellow geekiness. :)
Yin is right. We're all geeks here, and we've all had to deal with what you're feeling at some point. Truth be told, if we could pin down the social butterflies, I bet most of them have felt this way at some time or another as well.

I won't lie to you and say that it's always uber easy making friends. It was as easy as pie for me as a undergrad and harder than pulling teeth as a grad student. I do think that if you don't let yourself hole up and be afraid then it'll be easier.

I also understand the impulse not to squee too much before you know what's going to happen, but you doing so won't jinx your chances. :)

Whatever happens I will always be your friend and be proud of you.
I know what you mean about the holing up thing. At Wright state I felt so out of place and awkward, people were so involved in their own thing that it was hard to break into things so I felt kind of intimidated. I guess it's really just getting over that fear and learning to break out of the shell.

I already jinxed it and I'm not going, but more about that later.

Thanks for the friend love, it's always appreciated. :)
Oh noes.

What happened?